Hey Legend,
Last Friday night, I went to bed in a rage.
After a LONG day, all I wanted to do was lay down and watch my football team (the Adelaide Crows) beat Hawthorn in the sem-final.
But from the first bounce, it was clear it was not going to be the Crows’ night…
I’m a pretty calm and peaceful person – but when I’m emotionally invested in my sporting team, I can get a bit carried away (just ask Kaci).
I was swearing, calling players names, and getting myself all worked up.
My attitude and behaviour was like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum – not a good look for a 34 year old man.
By midway through the third quarter, I’d had enough. There was no way the Crows could come back. And I wasn’t doing myself any favours by staying up longer and getting more angry and frustrated.
But because I got myself so worked up, I had a horrible sleep.
So my anger and frustrations from the night before, rolled into Saturday morning…
Cliffy is almost two and a half years old now.
And at his age, his emotions can swing wildly at what seems like the most insignificant event.
That morning,
Cliffy was having one of his highly emotional days.
This was a recipe for disaster.
He was dysregulated. I was dysregulated. And my fuse was short…
Young kids get highly dysregulated because they have not yet developed the mental faculties to regulate their emotions.
They need help from their parents to ‘co-regulate’ during those highly emotional times.
I used to think when a child is getting highly emotional all you need to distract them and shut them up as fast as possible.
But since reading Gen Muir’s book ‘Little People, Big Feelings’ I’ve learned it’s normal for young kids to get highly emotional.
In fact it’s a good thing.
It helps them build resilience and emotional intelligence.
As a parent, the challenge for us is being able to handle our own big emotions while our children are feeling dysregulated.
(Perhaps the most challenging aspect of parenting)
Adults are just little boys and girls in adult sized bodies.
We may have our intellect and conscious mind, but we are still highly emotional creatures – just like children.
And for most of us, we never learned how to resourcefully regulate ourselves when uncomfortable emotions come up.
When kids get dysregulated their default response is to throw a tantrum or cry uncontrollably.
But us adults, when we’re feeling dysregulated our default response is to doom scroll on social media, binge Netflix, drink too much alcohol, over-eat sugary foods or splurge on retail therapy.
These ‘distractions’ are simply our ‘adult teddy bears’ – unresourceful strategies we’ve learned to regulate our emotions.
Becoming a father has been a healing journey for me.
In my late 20s, I thought I had my sh*t together.
But the older I get, and the more layers I peel pack – the more I realise I don’t have my sh*t together. And I don’t think any one of us truly does. No matter how much we try to portray it to the outside world.
When I look at Cliffy, I feel like I’m looking at the younger version of me.
When I hug him, I feel like I’m hugging little Daniel. I feel so much love for him. And so much compassion and empathy too.
When Cliffy gets highly emotional and dysregulated, it gives me an opportunity to heal my inner child and grow emotionally. To let him know you are loved, you are safe, and your big emotions are ok.
I don’t always get it right.
Last Saturday morning was an example of that, I lost my sh*t at Cliffy.
Kaci firmly directed me away from the scene.
At that moment, I was too dysregulated to handle Cliffy’s big emotions. And I took my anger, rage and frustrations out on him.
It wasn’t my proudest parent moment.
But I have compassion for myself. And compassion for all parents. Because we’re all doing the best we can with the knowledge and experience we have.
As parents, we’re never going to get everything right.
And that’s ok.
Gen Muir says as long as we get it right 30% of the time with our children’s big emotions, that is enough to build a secure attachment and help them build their emotional resilience.
Ahhhh.
We can all breathe a sigh of relief!
Anywho,
At the end of the day, parenting (and life) isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about showing up, repairing when we mess up, and continuing to grow alongside our kids.
Cliffy’s big feelings are a mirror for my own – and every time I sit with them (instead of running from them), I get a little better at sitting with myself too.
So if you’ve found yourself losing your cool, reaching for your “adult teddy bear,” or feeling like you don’t have it all together – you’re not alone.
None of us do.
And maybe that’s the point.
Here’s to meeting our kids, and ourselves, with a little more compassion this week.
Forward this newsletter to a parent you know who may need to hear this message today.
